Saudade

"Perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us 

yesterday, separate, in the evening." 

— Rainer Maria Rilke

Today I experienced a beautiful NYC spring day. The sun was shining, an occasional chilly breeze, and the constant need to put on layers only to take them off minutes later. I spent the majority of the day outdoors with people I love and enjoy being around. As we all went our own ways, I decided to walk back to Brooklyn Heights instead of taking the subway. I felt good as I meandered through a Hasidic Jewish neighborhood on a sabbath day. For the majority of the time I spoke with my mom on the phone. She reminded me that I only have two responsibilities right now; finding a job and finding a place to live. 

As I neared the place that I am staying (for the next 18 days), I started feeling a pang in my heart. I challenged it. "Today has been a good day. I don't have anything to feel sad about." But there it was and it didn't appear to want to depart. So, I sat with it for a moment and the thought came to me, "I wonder if life will always consist of missing one thing or another." I texted my mother and she brilliantly replied, "Oh yes! But life is good!" In Portuguese (the language of the gods, according to my dad) there is a word that refers to this melancholic longing or yearning. Saudade is more than just missing something. It evokes a sense of loneliness and incompleteness. 

In 2006 I had the opportunity to work at the largest women's shelter in Seattle. Naively I entered a world that was raw, desperate, and violent, and I fell in love. I loved those women. I loved their honestly. I loved their stories. I loved their ability to demonstrate compassion and humor in times of adversity. Due to a bout of kidney stones that ended in surgery, I returned to Utah. For weeks I cried because I longed to be back in that space that was so wildly different from anything I had experienced prior to or since. My secret wish was that somehow Seattle and Provo could geographically collide so that I could live where I had family support, while continuing my work at the shelter. There was such a longing to be in both spaces. Physically impossible, I was forced to miss one, which I did desperately for longer than I am willing to admit. 

I am entering my third week of officially living in NYC and I am feeling this pang in my heart, this loneliness, and incompleteness. This desire for so many geographic locations to collide so that I can be close to all of the people that I love simultaneously...and of course Tula. It hurts. Sometimes it feels irreconcilable. Occasionally it stops me dead in my tracks and I feel like I can't breath. Often I just want to sleep so that I can avoid have to choose. So, will we spend our loves missing one thing or another? "Oh Yes! But life is good!" 

"Separation isn’t time or distance

it’s the bridge between us

finer than silk thread sharper than swords." 

— Nâzım Hikmet